To Hear or Not to Hear. I'm Sorry, What Was the Question?

In a few weeks my life will change. I will have the ability to hear more clearly again.  I know over the last few years that there are things I have missed, and missed out on, because the words or the intent behind them was lost to me. Remember playing Telephone as a kid? By the time the original sentence was whispered around the circle and into your ear, you usually got a watered down or particularly wacky version.  Welcome to my life. Wacked out and watered down!

The words that we hear have the ability to bring out a myriad of emotions within us.  They can build us up or they can tear us down. Words are sometimes spoken with harshness, carelessness, or derision. Words can be yelled and thrown as arrows that pierce the heart of those they are aimed at. I know there are some words that many of us wish we never heard or hope to hear again. “I’m sorry, we did all we could,” “I don’t love you anymore, I’m leaving” “You didn’t get the position you applied for,” and the list goes on and on. I know I have said things that have hurt those I love and care about.  Maybe I was angry, maybe I was being careless, or maybe I just didn’t realize the effect my words would have. 

The Year of the Affair

I turn 40 in a couple of weeks.  I’ve decided my forties are going to be the best years of my life.  Why?  Because I’m going to make sure that they are!  In the last three years I’ve gone through a separation, divorce, gone back to school, become a single parent, and waded into the waters of dating in my late thirties after having been married for 18 years.  I'm ready for a new chapter in my Book of Life.  Some of last year's chapter headings could have included:

Did I Really Have to Be So Stupid?

You  Did What?

Hell Hath No Fury.......

Can I Fast Forward Through This Part?

No Really, I Dare You To Do That Again

He Was How Young?

Next year's chapter heading might read:

You Go Girl!
You Did What?  Awesome!
Can I Slow This Part Down and Enjoy It A Little Bit Longer?
The Amazing Accomplishments. No, Really.
Can You Do That Again?

Black Friday in Stepford County

 I had an interesting experience on Black Friday (I'll get to that in a bit).   I went "The Morning After Thanksgiving Shopping" in the Orem/Provo area with my cute little sis.  Somehow, I always manage to let her talk me into it but I'm always glad I went.

So on Thanksgiving night I couldn't go to sleep.  I obviously hadn't eaten enough Thanksgiving dinner to put me into a turkey/mashed potato induced stupor for the rest of the day. This created some anxiety.  Why?  Because I knew I was getting up at the butt crack of dawn to go gallivanting around the mall at a time I should have just been hitting my REM cycle and dreaming of........well, never mind.  Anyway......by the time two in the morning rolled around I knew I was going to be dragging myself out of bed just in time to plop in my sister's car and continue snoring (in a very ladylike manner) on the way to the mall.  So I re-set my alarm to give me just enough time to do that.

RING!!!!  A-haaa, uhhh.....uggg.......bleh.......I stumble out of bed, plop my contacts in my eyes that feel like sand paper, throw on clothes and a hat, and and away we go!!!!

A Grateful Heart and the Friends Who Fill It Up

It’s taken me the entire month to sit down and write a blog to celebrate the season of Thanksgiving.  It’s not because I don’t have blessings to be grateful for, for there are many and I recognize and have a grateful heart for all of them.  

Sometimes I’d sit down and start to write and ten minutes later realized I was still staring at a blank screen because I didn’t seem to have anything to say.  Other times I would sit down to write and I would have a hard time pulling up the feelings of gratitude that I knew were there but seemed to be playing a game of hide and seek in my heart.  Sometimes I was ready to write but had too much homework and had to play at being responsible.

I am blessed.  I am blessed to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.  I am blessed to be able to go to school.  I am blessed to have three beautiful children who grew under my heart in love.  I am blessed to be able to live in country where I enjoy the freedoms that I do.  I am blessed with good health and I am blessed with the knowledge that there is a God in the heavens and that He knows and loves me.

So, where are my thoughts most wandering off to right now?  I am feeling overwhelming gratitude for my friends.

I’m a bit of a contrast.  On one hand, I can be the life of the party when I am comfortable with people I know.  On the other hand, it takes me some time to develop close, intimate friendships.  When I do however, they mean a great deal to me and there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for those I love and care about. 

The Suitcase

Throughout our lives we all pick up baggage at one point or another. It’s inevitable. We take our experiences with us, sometimes they even influence who we become and how we act and how we see the world and ourselves. Some of us don’t even know we are carrying baggage. Or some may see it and try to act like it’s not there. Some people don’t know what to do with it and so they do nothing and it becomes their constant companion. Others try to drop it off somewhere along the way but get either get sidetracked or find that they have grown comfortable with it and choose to keep it with them…they have gotten so used to carrying their luggage around that for better or for worse they can’t imagine life without it. They have become attached to it even if it is heavy and burdensome.

I have been unpacking my suitcase for the last couple of years. Every so often I would reach in and find something I no longer needed and toss it off to the side. I threw away pain, anger, sadness over a lost marriage, bitterness, disappointment. All of it served a purpose for a time for there is a cycle to grief but I knew those things were not something that I wanted to be part of my life. I found my suitcase getting lighter over time and it felt so good I would want to get rid of more items…..sometimes I was tossing things right and left and at other times certain things were harder to get rid of. But I kept working at it, kept unpacking and before I knew it, time had gone by and I could see the bottom of my suitcase and then I thought it was empty.

Junk In My Trunk

So who's got a little extra junk in their trunk?

I know, I know. You thought you were going to get a blog about my posterior region.  As much as I'd like to wax poetic or philosophical about my bootie, I will do my best to contain myself. So sorry to disappoint.

I have junk in my other trunk!  Let's get one thing straight. I was mislead when I purchased my vehicle. There was no sticker on it that informed me about the problem I am now facing with it. The salesman assured me I had received an excellent deal (that should have been my first red flag) and he was smiling and waving at me as I drove out of the parking lot.  If I could have read his thoughts at the time it probably would have sounded something like this. "So long, sucker."

There should have been a disclaimer in the agreement when I purchased the car that said, "Anything left in the car overnight, will thereby multiply itself or reinvent itself into another object which will then spawn other objects.  Some of these objects will be recognizable and others will look as if someone broke into your car while you were sleeping and dumped their assorted unwanted objects and lame wedding reception gifts into your car."

Here is my own DISCLAIMER:  if you are one of those people who always have a spotless car then continue reading with caution. The following material may bring on nauseousness, heart palpitations and cause you to break out in hives.

The Wall Chronicles

So let’s talk walls. Have you really ever thought about how many different kinds of walls there are? No? Then it’s your lucky day! The next time you’re out having dinner with friends and someone starts talking about walls, as they usually do in dinner conversations, then you can share all of the vast knowledge you will be gaining from this post. Trust me. Nothing says “I’m an intelligent, well rounded person,” more so than talking about walls. In my next couple of posts I will be talking about walls.

So, what does a wall do? Well, it creates a boundary or a barrier. Walls keep things in but they also keep things out. They make us feel safe, or protected. Sometimes they do just that and sometimes that safety is an illusion. Sometimes we “hit walls.” Sometimes we’re thrown against walls. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to climb over it to the other side. Sometimes we smarten up, find a ladder, and climb over that wall to the other side. 

Walls serve a purpose sometimes. When our heart has taken too many beatings we will start building a wall around it. Someone said something unkind that hurt you. Hey, here’s a brick. Someone you love made a choice that brought you pain. Have some mortar to lay that brick with. You dared to let yourself dream that you could be happy and have the life you desire. Wait, hold steady while I hand you a few more bricks. You lost someone close to you and can’t go through that kind of pain again. And so the building of the wall begins.