Last week, my cousin asked what happened to the Lemonade Girl, and why I didn't write on my blog anymore. I told him the truth. I just ran out of things to say about being divorced and being single, which is what motivated me to start blogging in the first place. Writing helped me to heal. It helped get all of the jumbled up thoughts and emotions out of my head. It gave me a voice which had been rendered mute when what I said no longer mattered in trying to save my marriage.
And then one year went by...and then another. Before I knew it, several years had gone by and I had nothing more to say about being divorced and single. In conversations with my girlfriends, the only words we could find to sum up our lives as divorcees was, "It sucks." Maybe if we had been through school and established in careers and more financially stable, we wouldn't have struggled in the same ways that we have, but we were starting from scratch as single mothers who had stayed home with our kids for years. I was tired of writing about it, and I figured no one would want to keep reading about it either. I could either write about going to school, work, or home. Yawn.....So, I didn't write anymore.
I don't often feel sorry for myself and I don't take my anger and frustrations out on God....well, until the last few months anyway. In truth, the anger just came out of exhaustion, loneliness, and burdens that felt too heavy to carry alone anymore. I couldn't figure out why it seemed a miracle of monumental proportions was necessary in order for me to find an eternal sweetheart, and then I was angry thinking why would it take a miracle for the right person to come into my life in the first place! That thought buried my self-esteem beneath the basement floor in a deep, dark, cellar. I knew being angry at God was pointless. It really didn't make me feel any better, but I guess my hissy fit was seven years in the making and rather overdue.
I will say this to anyone who happens to be reading. Do not judge someone's decision to want to get married again. Do not judge someone's desire to not be satisfied living as a single person. Being single is overrated IMHO. It's like we're supposed to wear our divorced singleness as a badge of honor or strength that we don't need or want anyone in our lives. Pfftt...whateves. To each his own, seriously. I say this because I see judging going on all the time, not just from married people, but among other singles as well.
I was reading in D&C this morning, about the trials and tribulations that Joseph Smith had to endure....so much beyond what I have gone through and hopefully ever will. "But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me..." I thought of how quickly I have gotten used to moving on after disappointments, and how quickly I have also learned to turn to the Savior and the Atonement when I'm struggling. It is second nature to me now. It's automatic. I rarely have to think twice about it. That doesn't mean disappointment and sorrow don't linger or have an effect on me. It means that I hope I have learned to do what needs to be done to stay the course, keep the faith, and continue to have hope for increased days of joy ahead.
My deep waters are more still now...I no longer swim with naivete and the lack of skills that a new swimmer has in deeper waters. I swim with a greater strength and maturity, but still need to work on my level of endurance. My trials are so much less difficult than many and more than some. I am not unique to disappointment and pain in my life, and so many handle it so much better than I do. I am not special in any way in this regard.
What I have done today is look back over the years that the Lord has placed people in my life. Many have come and gone, but many remain in my life in one capacity or another, and I know with absolute certainty that they are in my life for a reason. I can VERY clearly see the chain of events with people placed in my path the last few months that helped me get out of a very dark place and through to the other side. I am in another transitional phase I guess, and it hasn't felt very comfortable. Maybe I have just been going through growing pains again. I have grown tired of the single world and how it seems to operate, but it has never really felt "normal" to me anyway. I don't belong in the married world either. I guess I get to create my own little world and I get to choose what that looks like. I guess I better get on that!
The key to happiness, or at least my key to happiness will always begin with gratitude. Not asking for more from the Lord than I thank him for. Recognizing that there is always joy and blessings tucked in among the trials. There are always things, people, and circumstances to be thankful for. Always.
This was an awfully long post if anyone made it this far. I guess it's my send off post, my Bon Voyage and last Hurrah as the Lemonade Girl. I'm not sure what anyone else got out of it, but like in the past, writing out my thoughts clears space in my head to bring new, good thoughts, hopes, and dreams into my life. It seems as if the Lemonade Girl will always find a way to make lemonade, even if she gets sidetracked and lost along the way.