Sunday, March 17, 2013

One Last Drink of Lemonade. Cheers!

Last week, my cousin asked what happened to the Lemonade Girl, and why I didn't write on my blog anymore. I told him the truth. I just ran out of things to say about being divorced and being single, which is what motivated me to start blogging in the first place. Writing helped me to heal. It helped get all of the jumbled up thoughts and emotions out of my head. It gave me a voice which had been rendered mute when what I said no longer mattered in trying to save my marriage. 

And then one year went by...and then another. Before I knew it, several years had gone by and I had nothing more to say about being divorced and single. In conversations with my girlfriends, the only words we could find to sum up our lives as divorcees was, "It sucks." Maybe if we had been through school and established in careers and more financially stable, we wouldn't have struggled in the same ways that we have, but we were starting from scratch as single mothers who had stayed home with our kids for years. I was tired of writing about it, and I figured no one would want to keep reading about it either. I could either write about going to school, work, or home. Yawn.....So, I didn't write anymore. 

 I don't often feel sorry for myself and I don't take my anger and frustrations out on God....well, until the last few months anyway. In truth, the anger just came out of exhaustion, loneliness, and burdens that felt too heavy to carry alone anymore.   I couldn't figure out why it seemed a miracle of monumental proportions was necessary in order for me to find an eternal sweetheart, and then I was angry thinking why would it take a miracle for the right person to come into my life in the first place! That thought buried my self-esteem beneath the basement floor  in a deep, dark, cellar. I knew being angry at God was pointless. It really didn't make me feel any better, but I guess my hissy fit was seven years in the making and rather overdue. 

I will say this to anyone who happens to be reading. Do not judge someone's decision to want to get married again. Do not judge someone's desire to not be satisfied living as a single person. Being single is overrated IMHO. It's like we're supposed to wear our divorced singleness as a badge of honor or strength that we don't need or want anyone in our lives. Pfftt...whateves. To each his own, seriously. I say this because I see judging going on all the time, not just from married people, but among other singles as well. 

I was reading in D&C this morning, about the trials and tribulations that Joseph Smith had to much beyond what I have gone through and hopefully ever will. "But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me..."  I thought of how quickly I have gotten used to moving on after disappointments, and how quickly I have also learned to turn to the Savior and the Atonement when I'm struggling. It is second nature to me now. It's automatic. I rarely have to think twice about it. That doesn't mean disappointment and sorrow don't linger or have an effect on me. It means that I hope I have learned to do what needs to be done to stay the course, keep the faith, and continue to have hope for increased days of joy ahead.

My deep waters are more still now...I no longer swim with naivete and the lack of skills that a new swimmer has in deeper waters. I swim with a greater strength and maturity, but still need to work on my level of endurance. My trials are so much less difficult than many and more than some. I am not unique to disappointment and pain in my life, and so many handle it so much better than I do. I am not special in any way in this regard. 

What I have done today is look back over the years that the Lord has placed people in my life. Many have come and gone, but many remain in my life in one capacity or another, and I know with absolute certainty that they are in my life for a reason. I can VERY clearly see the chain of events with people placed in my path the last few months that helped me get out of a very dark place and through to the other side. I am in another transitional phase I guess, and it hasn't felt very comfortable. Maybe I have just been going through growing pains again.  I have grown tired of the single world and how it seems to operate, but it has never really felt "normal" to me anyway.  I don't belong in the married world either. I guess I get to create my own little world and I get to choose what that looks like. I guess I better get on that!

The key to happiness, or at least my key to happiness will always begin with gratitude. Not asking for more from the Lord than I thank him for. Recognizing that there is always joy and blessings tucked in among the trials. There are always things, people, and circumstances to be thankful for. Always. 

This was an awfully long post if anyone made it this far. I guess it's my send off post, my Bon Voyage and last Hurrah as the Lemonade Girl. I'm not sure what anyone else got out of it, but like in the past, writing out my thoughts clears space in my head to bring new, good thoughts, hopes, and dreams into my life. It seems as if the Lemonade Girl will always find a way to make lemonade, even if she gets sidetracked and lost along the way. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Semi-Sunshine, Snakes, and Settlement Canyon

I spent a thoroughly enjoyable morning hiking in the woods with my daughter Jessica. It’s fun to have someone to go do those kinds of things with, and it’s been nice for me on occasions when she happens to be home to get to know my daughter as the woman she has become. 

We’d only gone about 400 feet….well maybe 6 or 8 (math and distance here you know….but that’s my 
guess) when we heard what I thought was an insect off to the right. Jessica yelps, jumps back and asks me if I see the rattlesnake about 8 inches off to the right in a bush.  DANG!! Apparently I hadn’t because I was giving it a very close up, delectable look at my leg. It’s funny...I have been in areas numerous times in my life where there are rattlesnakes but I’ve never run across one.  I was fascinated in a horrific kind of way.  One of us came very close to being bit this morning.  A little bit later we ran across a baby rattlesnake that someone had stepped on……Jessica was leaning down to look at it when her sunglasses fell off and hit the ground.  It startled her, and because she was looking at a snake that she wasn’t sure was dead, she screamed…. I screamed (not sure why except she startled me) and we had a good laugh. 

It was hard to take time out of my homework today and yet it was exactly what I needed.  I’m trying to take time to smell the roses, enjoy life and the people around me, while trying to avoid getting bitten by snakes along the way.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.”


Monday, June 6, 2011

This is How We Roll on the Way to College

Long story short, I decided to be a fabulous mom this morning and help my daughter get started on her way to college and adulthood.   In true Kristin and Ashtyn style it did not go smoothly.  You’ve got to understand something here. EVERY TIME Ashtyn and I head off somewhere she needs to be, we never know where we’re going even though we’re both sure we do.  She tells me where we need to go, I think I have the general idea, and then we get there and it’s not where we’re supposed to be.  EVERY SINGLE TIME!!  Yes, I’m a slow learner.  Google, Google, Google the directions.  (We even had a conversation about doing that last time we got lost).  Apparently we have short memories or enjoy being lost and frustrated. 

So Ashtyn’s taking a concurrent enrollment class at SLCC this summer.  She has a couple of r e a l l y long days as her bus ride into Salt Lake from Stansbury is around two and a half hours one way.   When she signed up for her class, neither of us realized that the bus schedule would be so uncooperative but she’s sticking to her decision to still take the class and I give her props for that.  

Ashtyn is a small town girl at heart, not real comfortable in cities and certainly not comfortable on the city bus by herself.  I thought my taking her to school and getting her to where she needed to go would be a fun thing to do together. We both ended up frustrated. I ended up mad that we were driving around lost yet again (I’m the driver, I should have known where I was going) and she was late for her first college class.

Ashtyn, I’m proud of you for taking this step into the big, “scary” world of adulthood.  I think this will be your summer of growing up and preparing you for your last year in high school and life after.  I love you.  You’re an amazing young woman and despite our bumping heads at times I hope you know I love you to bits and pieces.  Because I do. 

Now go out there and take on the world!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Gifts From the Sea

The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea.

              ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Saturday, January 15, 2011

To Hear or Not to Hear. I'm Sorry, What Was the Question?

In a few weeks my life will change. I will have the ability to hear more clearly again.  I know over the last few years that there are things I have missed, and missed out on, because the words or the intent behind them was lost to me. Remember playing Telephone as a kid? By the time the original sentence was whispered around the circle and into your ear, you usually got a watered down or particularly wacky version.  Welcome to my life. Wacked out and watered down!

The words that we hear have the ability to bring out a myriad of emotions within us.  They can build us up or they can tear us down. Words are sometimes spoken with harshness, carelessness, or derision. Words can be yelled and thrown as arrows that pierce the heart of those they are aimed at. I know there are some words that many of us wish we never heard or hope to hear again. “I’m sorry, we did all we could,” “I don’t love you anymore, I’m leaving” “You didn’t get the position you applied for,” and the list goes on and on. I know I have said things that have hurt those I love and care about.  Maybe I was angry, maybe I was being careless, or maybe I just didn’t realize the effect my words would have. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Year of the Affair

I turn 40 in a couple of weeks.  I’ve decided my forties are going to be the best years of my life.  Why?  Because I’m going to make sure that they are!  In the last three years I’ve gone through a separation, divorce, gone back to school, become a single parent, and waded into the waters of dating in my late thirties after having been married for 18 years.  I'm ready for a new chapter in my Book of Life.  Some of last year's chapter headings could have included:

Did I Really Have to Be So Stupid?
You  Did What?
Hell Hath No Fury.......
Can I Fast Forward Through This Part?
No Really, I Dare You To Do That Again
He Was How Young?

Next year's chapter heading might read:

You Go Girl!
You Did What?  Awesome!
Can I Slow This Part Down and Enjoy It A Little Bit Longer?
The Amazing Accomplishments. No, Really.
Can You Do That Again?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Black Friday in Stepford County

 I had an interesting experience on Black Friday (I'll get to that in a bit).   I went "The Morning After Thanksgiving Shopping" in the Orem/Provo area with my cute little sis.  Somehow, I always manage to let her talk me into it but I'm always glad I went.

So on Thanksgiving night I couldn't go to sleep.  I obviously hadn't eaten enough Thanksgiving dinner to put me into a turkey/mashed potato induced stupor for the rest of the day. This created some anxiety.  Why?  Because I knew I was getting up at the butt crack of dawn to go gallivanting around the mall at a time I should have just been hitting my REM cycle and dreaming of........well, never mind. the time two in the morning rolled around I knew I was going to be dragging myself out of bed just in time to plop in my sister's car and continue snoring (in a very ladylike manner) on the way to the mall.  So I re-set my alarm to give me just enough time to do that.

RING!!!!  A-haaa, uhhh.....uggg.......bleh.......I stumble out of bed, plop my contacts in my eyes that feel like sand paper, throw on clothes and a hat, and and away we go!!!!